Accidental Dismemberment
Since my husband begins a new job on Monday (woohoooooooo!), we have spent some time perusing the details of his new benefits; exploring our coverage options, figuring out the cost, when they take effect, etc, etc. As I looked over the materials, one unusual phrase seemed to stick out more than the rest.
ACCIDENTAL DEATH & DISMEMBERMENT COVERAGE
Huh? Dismemberment?! Is that common? Is it accidental death and accidental dismemberment, or is it dismemberment and accidental death? Precisely how many deaths each year are classified as “intentional?” For that matter, how many dismemberments aren’t?
So, I looked into it and discovered these fortifying morsels of information regarding the optional AD&D coverage. According to www.insurance.com, “In the event of a fatal accident or an accident that results in you losing your eyesight, speech, hearing, or a limb, AD&D will pay you or your beneficiaries a specified amount.”
OK. This seems like a good idea. Since I, like the Boy Scouts, am always prepared, I can see the advantages to expecting the unexpected, ie, planning for the possibility of dreadful injury caused in an unexpected accident. Which is to say, injury caused in the event of any accident; accidents being, by their very nature, a surprise. The article continues: “exclusions of AD&D coverage include death during surgery…bacterial infection… risky activities such as skydiving, car racing, and involvement in a war.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Excludes death during surgery? Excuse me, but who schedules a surgery without the specific intent of prolonging or improving quality of life? That seems to me to be an accidental death. Bacterial infection? Do you know anyone who’s contracted one of those on purpose?
Skydiving? Okay. Car racing? Eh. Involvement in a war? Excuse me, but aren’t these people at a higher risk of AD&D? Wouldn’t you rather charge them a higher premium, or make available to them a more expensive option in the event of their accidental death or dismemberment? And while we’re at it, why should military personnel be excluded?
Or are they?
Upon closer examination, this clause may have nothing whatsoever to do with persons enlisted in the military, as the phrasing is very vague. “Involvement in a war.” Should this be read to imply that victims of war crimes or wartime events will not be covered under policies that have been opened in preparation for precisely this purpose? Aside from the fact that the whole insurance thing is basically a scam anyway (Hey you schmuck, pay us your hard-earned money just in case something bad happens and if it does, we’ll cover a part of your outrageous medical bills, but if it doesn’t we’ll keep your money anyway!), isn’t that a little – how shall I put this? – screwed up? It’s a lot like property and automobile insurance companies not offering coverage for Acts of God, such as unforeseen weather damage, tidal waves or lightning strikes. Funny how a country that is trying it’s hardest to cut God out of every corner is rife with insurance companies that are allowed to worm their way out of doing their duty by invoking His name. Here’s a question for you: should atheists get coverage for Acts of God?
I say all of this to explain that I find the idea of accidental insurance to be very…icky. Nobody likes to think about the possibility of tragedy or harm striking their loved ones, nor should we be forced to dwell on the matter. The entire concept of charging people money for their emotional peace of mind is cloudy. I hate knowing that it is someone’s job to determine how many people will pass away this year from accidental dismemberment, and I hope that they have some really super-fun hobbies that take their mind off of their grim occupation. I also hate knowing that it is someone else’s job to find ways of not paying – and thereby, not helping – those who have suffered just such a tragedy. The ideas are right, but the execution of them is all wrong. You either exist to provide help to those in need, or you don’t, plain and simple. No special clauses, addendums, footnotes or fine print. Just help.
Please understand that my discomfort lies with life insurance policies, not health or automobile insurances. Insurance is a wonderful thing, and it exists in many forms. The technical definition of insurance is “protection against future loss.” Be it having a spare tire, locking your doors at night, going to the bathroom in pairs, writing answers to a quiz on your hand or having unopened chips and salsa in the pantry in case unexpected company comes over, we are all wired to be prepared and to provide insurance for ourselves and our families, protecting each other against future losses. I guess the best that we can hope for is that the guy in the office who reviews our fancy insurance policies is truly on our side and understands what its like when you can’t find that spare key that you could have sworn you left under the doormat, and what a pickle you’re in now because it’s missing. All we can do is trust that he has chosen this line of work with the intent of helping people through the most difficult times in their lives. We put a lot of faith in those people that we’ll never meet, hoping that they have our best interests at heart and will be there in our time of need.
But just in case he isn’t as responsible as he should be, I ask for all of you to do yourselves one simple favor. Please, keep your hands and arms inside moving vehicles at all times and wait until they have come to a complete stop.
P.S. My husband would like for me to include the fact that he will be working for a highly respected cellular phone company, thereby risking very little chance of accidental dismemberment.
The Ballad of Lady Anne
There was a woman they called Lady Anne,
With gold in her hair and two doves for her hands.
Every night she’d sing music so sweet,
The crowd all threw roses, red and white roses,
Red and white roses at her feet.
She was the gentle, melodious kind
That few earthly beings ever do find.
The children all begged for a seat at her side
And men made advances to make her their bride,
Men made advances to make her their bride.
Anne was the apple of her father’s eye,
Her mother long gone, she was his earth and sky.
He had chosen one suitor above all the rest;
Lady Anne was not destined to have second best,
Lord Ansington’s daughter must marry the best.
The prize in the land was Sir Johannes Brell,
A handsome young man with a chest that did swell.
His arms could bend iron, his money-purse steel,
But his hair and his soul were as black as an eel,
Yes, his hair and his soul were as black as an eel.
In the secret of night, Anna crept from her room
To meet her sweet lover and soon-to-be-groom.
Now here is the catch – listen close, listen well –
His name was Sebastian, not Johannes Brell,
Her lover Sebastian, her suitor John Brell.
Every night in the garden they’d meet
And sing of their love, so pure and so sweet.
Though ‘Bastian was poor, he desired her hand.
They would move to the country and live off the land,
In the country they’d live off the fat of the land.
‘Next day Anne serenaded the larks of the town,
One by one, children tuned into the sound.
The gardener’s praised her uplifting beat
And tossed her their roses, red and white roses,
Red and white roses at her feet.
Her pretty cheeks blushed as she sang of her love,
The song was Sebastian’s from the angels above.
He tossed her a note, hoping nobody spied,
“At midnight tomorrow, you shall be my bride,
At midnight tomorrow, you shall be my bride!”
In anticipation, Sebastian prepared
A clean-shaven face and a shirt without tears.
At the tavern he drank his last bachelor beer,
Gulping with pride to an Englishman’s cheer,
Gulping with pride to an Englishman’s cheer.
Anne wore the best of her scented perfumes
And placed in her glistening hair ostrich plumes.
Her father’s cheek felt the rough kiss of goodbye,
Not knowing that he would soon lose earth and sky,
Not knowing that soon he would lose earth and sky.
With joyful tears they whispered their vows,
While love whispered through the old willow tree’s boughs.
The birdsong was bright, the air scented sweet
With blooming roses, red and white roses,
Red and white roses at their feet.
Then out of the night came a quick-silver dart
That pierced Lady Anne in the core of her heart.
Into ‘Bastian’s limp arms our lady fair fell,
When out of the trees dropped our Johannes Brell,
From out of the trees dropped Sir Johannes Brell.
The tear on his cheek spoke more volumes than I,
His fist shook quite violently up at the sky.
Sebastian’s voice let out a soul-shattering cry
Sobbing “why should you want my dear Anna to die?
Why should you want my dear Anna to die?”
John said – “Lord Ansington promised his daughter to me,
But she favored your kisses and soft poetry.
I could have given her riches and maids,
Earned her love with my diamonds and colored brocades.
Her love was worth diamonds and colored brocades.
“One evening I climbed o’er her garden wall,
Hoping that into my arms she would crawl.
I brought with me trinkets of maiden’s delight,
But saw her embracing you ‘neath the moonlight,
It was you and not I she embraced in the night!
“My thoughts filled with rage, I deviséd a plan
To soon have you put six feet under the sand.
I hid in the treetops with night as my masque,
But with trembling fingertips failed at my task,
With trembling fingertips failed my one task.”
Sebastian took hold of the swerving arrow,
And struck Johanne’s side with a startling blow.
Each drew their weapons, ‘til down they were bowed,
Their hands all stained crimson, like Anne’s linen shroud,
Their hands all stained crimson, on Anne’s bridal shroud.
In her lover’s arms, Lady Anne met her rest,
Held fiercely close to Sebastian’s chest.
In the prompting of silence, two enemies wept,
‘Til at last their ill-fated triumvirate slept.
Three hearts broke by one arrow, ‘til at last they slept.
Sadness washed over their innocent town
The day they laid sweet Lady Anne in the ground.
The larks in the trees sang a music so sweet
The crowd all threw roses, red and white roses
Red and white roses at her feet.
